think about it this way.

i overanalyze? maybe you don't analyze enough.

superiority complex.

having spent a great deal of time lately on this little site called jamsbio, and searching far and wide for new, underground bands similar to the ones i already enjoy, and having found many, many, many, i've realized a bit more about myself. i am a dreaded music elitist. it's such an awful reputation to have, and brings about accidental condescension on people around who may not be as superior, or fortunate enough to know the things i know. honestly! my music taste is one of the only things i truly adore about myself; it's such a shame i don't know how to spread the ego around equally to all parts of myself, instead of concentrating it into one area that consequentially makes everyone around me contemptuous. sometimes i just wonder, how people can enjoy some pieces of music, how they can miss the fact that it really is awful, how they can not have heard of something incredible (that i, coincidentally, love). additionally, i spend a lot of my time trying to convince people to listen to such and such music, and they either adore or hate the recommending. in the same vein, it is not easy being a music elitist! when you hear of shows that these artists may be putting on, it can be difficult to find people to go with you, since many people have not heard of these secret musical treasures. woe is me, right? pah! i don't care. as long as i have my music for myself, that is all that matters. my intentions are good, and not to offend anyone. it is just the way things are.

masochist.

i say this time it will not happen again. fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. but i am aware of what is going on. you hurt me continuously but i want more. sure, you are nice outwardly, but i know the mind games entailed. you are not nice; you are very mean. this may surprise you. am i masochistic? perhaps. or maybe it's kind of like when they say that bad attention is better than no attention at all. i don't understand. i just want your attention. somehow you have tricked me into believing that having your attention makes me special in a way. i am quite aware that i am a fool, no need to remind me. oh, and if you think this is about you, it probably isn't.

download, for your empathetic pleasures: "I Don't Want To Get Over You" by The Magnetic Fields

spectacular things 004.

004. cuddling.
just throwing this one in there before the weekend: i have been told by many many many people that i either look incredibly comfortable and easy to fall asleep with, or that i actually am. i guess it's true. i kind of like hearing that; some girls may say 'are you saying i'm squishy? and fat?' but i don't think so. it could partially be due to voluptuousness but it could also be accredited to a certain type of personality. either way, cuddling is a good feeling and i enjoy it. who doesn't? i think it is one of my favorite hobbies. the ability to fall asleep with and next to another human being is a spectacular thing and i wish everyone would appreciate it a bit more for what it is, rather than what it is not.

in other news, have you listened to your share of sigur ros today? if not, get on that.

how soon is now?

you shut your mouth
how can you say
i go about things the wrong way?
i am human and i need to be loved
just like everybody else does

there's a club, if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

when you say it's gonna happen "now"
well, when exactly do you mean?
see i've already waited too long
and all my hope is gone

i prefer to leave lyrics off this blog at the risk of sounding cliche, especially with this song, but it's too perfect for right now, and i am far too into the smiths at the moment.

spectacular things 001-3.

just to prove that i'm not entirely a negative nancy, i'm also starting a segment in here devoted to the tiniest little amazing things in life. i think it is important to not lose oneself and to pay attention to the smaller things, and find joy in them.

001. bedhead.
cutest thing i've ever seen. honestly. in a boy or a girl. bedhead melts my heart. there is nothing more charming than tousled hair sticking up at odd angles, and usually an equally out-of-sorts sleepy face to go along with it. maybe i'm just biased, but i think boys can work it better, perhaps it's just the shortness of their hair, or perhaps it's the simple fact that i am attracted to males, but.. oh cute.

002. smelling like other people.
the other day, devin asked me what my favorite scent is. i would have to say, the scent of other people. of course, some people smell bad, but after cuddling with someone, or hugging them a lot, they tend to leave their scent upon you, usually traces of perfume or cologne, or sometimes the ever-special natural scent, and it really is amazing. this is one reason i have no problem letting people use my pillows when they stay the night. my pillow is an orgy of scents! ah, fantastic.

003. assignments and exams being pushed back.
it really is the best feeling when you dread studying so direly, and check your e-mail to find a message from the professor to the entire class announcing that the exam has been pushed back a week. ah. a week of free time, a week more to study. of course, this is probably the procrastinator in me having its biggest wish come true, but still. i am allowed to encourage it at times.

bothersome things 004-6.

004. pillow problems.
it may seem like a tiny affliction, but it's much more serious than it seems. i have two pillows. one that is thin and overused and caved in and quite small and a bit hard too, and the other that is new, fluffy and so very large. for a few weeks, i will use one with ease and delicious comfort, until suddenly, my neck is very sore for days on end and i cannot find a single comfortable position, at all, stomach, sides, back, halfway between. so, i switch to the other, until it does just the same thing. either way, i have a stiff neck most days. very irritating.

005. people who spend all of their time hating something.
really? i cannot believe some people do this, but it is very very common. some people join groups to support the cause in which they are against something. there are plenty of websites out there that exist simply to talk about things they hate. certainly, if it is with cause, it can be acceptable. i think it is perfectly fine for people to band together against terrorism or animal cruelty, but when people are against something that in no way affects them, for example a celebrity or a song of some sort, it's a bit much. it's normal for people not to like something, but not to devote so much effort and time to that hatred. it's not too hard to turn your head the other way, is it?

006. flakiness.
i am realizing more and more lately how difficult it is to depend on anyone other than yourself. honestly, is it a new trend to say you will do something and not do it? lack of commitment is so very frustrating! it is very irritating to include someone in plans, or plan around a person, only to have them back out or 'have something come up' when they could either warn you ahead of time that it may not work out, or straight-forward tell you that they would not make it (simply because they did not want to). nine times out of ten (based upon statistics of my own life in the past few weeks or s) people will not pull through. i think i may stop inviting people to do things altogether, however i fear that might turn me into a hermit, but that is an entirely different story.

femmes.

joanna and i were carrying in our groceries saturday evening and as we were turning the corner i saw a girl exiting the building across from ours, followed by her boyfriend. the moment they stepped outside, she began waving her hand around frantically to try and gain his attention to grab onto it. he didn't, so she stopped all movement and kept wiggling it in front of him until he grasped it. i had a big resounding bitterly amused laugh at this because.. really? it seemed so desperate and whiny and bratty and needy an action. the kind of thing that i used to do to my father when i needed attention, or when i wanted he and another adult in the family to "fly me", when each of them would hold one of my hands and pull me up off the ground so i would skip a few steps.

it kind of made me reflect on relationships as a whole. some girls need boyfriends who are like parents, no? some people need attention and that is why they get into relationships. could she really just not handle facing the world without the security of his hand in hers?

there was also this really annoying couple at the supermarket that was following us everywhere and that girl's obnoxious laugh was trailing us around the entire store. she was trying way too hard. then they got behind us in line and she had the nerve to pick up the martha stuart magazine and flip through it in front of him. i wanted to weep for her.

some girls are so sad. especially when they're genuinely happy.