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004. pillow problems.
it may seem like a tiny affliction, but it's much more serious than it seems. i have two pillows. one that is thin and overused and caved in and quite small and a bit hard too, and the other that is new, fluffy and so very large. for a few weeks, i will use one with ease and delicious comfort, until suddenly, my neck is very sore for days on end and i cannot find a single comfortable position, at all, stomach, sides, back, halfway between. so, i switch to the other, until it does just the same thing. either way, i have a stiff neck most days. very irritating.
005. people who spend all of their time hating something.
really? i cannot believe some people do this, but it is very very common. some people join groups to support the cause in which they are against something. there are plenty of websites out there that exist simply to talk about things they hate. certainly, if it is with cause, it can be acceptable. i think it is perfectly fine for people to band together against terrorism or animal cruelty, but when people are against something that in no way affects them, for example a celebrity or a song of some sort, it's a bit much. it's normal for people not to like something, but not to devote so much effort and time to that hatred. it's not too hard to turn your head the other way, is it?
006. flakiness.
i am realizing more and more lately how difficult it is to depend on anyone other than yourself. honestly, is it a new trend to say you will do something and not do it? lack of commitment is so very frustrating! it is very irritating to include someone in plans, or plan around a person, only to have them back out or 'have something come up' when they could either warn you ahead of time that it may not work out, or straight-forward tell you that they would not make it (simply because they did not want to). nine times out of ten (based upon statistics of my own life in the past few weeks or s) people will not pull through. i think i may stop inviting people to do things altogether, however i fear that might turn me into a hermit, but that is an entirely different story.
joanna and i were carrying in our groceries saturday evening and as we were turning the corner i saw a girl exiting the building across from ours, followed by her boyfriend. the moment they stepped outside, she began waving her hand around frantically to try and gain his attention to grab onto it. he didn't, so she stopped all movement and kept wiggling it in front of him until he grasped it. i had a big resounding bitterly amused laugh at this because.. really? it seemed so desperate and whiny and bratty and needy an action. the kind of thing that i used to do to my father when i needed attention, or when i wanted he and another adult in the family to "fly me", when each of them would hold one of my hands and pull me up off the ground so i would skip a few steps.
it kind of made me reflect on relationships as a whole. some girls need boyfriends who are like parents, no? some people need attention and that is why they get into relationships. could she really just not handle facing the world without the security of his hand in hers?
there was also this really annoying couple at the supermarket that was following us everywhere and that girl's obnoxious laugh was trailing us around the entire store. she was trying way too hard. then they got behind us in line and she had the nerve to pick up the martha stuart magazine and flip through it in front of him. i wanted to weep for her.
some girls are so sad. especially when they're genuinely happy.
i decided to start a small segment in this blog that basically allows me to rant about the tiniest, most insignificant things that i otherwise would not be able to rant about without seeming like a buffoon.
001. euphemisms.
he "went to a better place," he "passed on,".. i would like euphemisms to "go to a better place." they are far beyond their "golden years" and honestly, anyone who can't handle the truth and has to settle for euphemisms instead is sorely missing out. the real world is a lot more entertaining.. not that sugar-coated glossy version.
002. missing a day on flickaday.
i always seem to notice right after midnight, too, that i've missed my chance to take my photo for the day. the worst part is, they send you daily email reminders to take your daily photo, and i delete them immediately and brush it off "until later". later in the day, i'll usually think about taking it too, and just forget about it as soon as i've thought about it. then 12:07am rolls around and i remember and get quite irritated.
003. my phone.
can i throw this thing off five bridges into five separate bodies of water yet? seriously, why didn't anyone warn me that two years after buying this phone i'd wish only the worst things upon it? it's been through a lot with me and while it still works, it makes me work in order to even use it. it takes me about five minutes to read a simple text message or dial a number, because of broken keys and broken screens. so, hey, if you get one from me, feel special that i went through all that work to contact you.
he wakes up in the morning, or afternoon rather, engages in the longest-lasting stretch possible; after all, stretching is the most satisfying feeling in the morning. the back of his hand rubs over his forehead a moment before allowing his fingers to rummage through his locks of hair twisted this way and that from sleep. dark hair, probably. he pulls the headphone wires from around his neck and arms, removing himself from the ipod web (the ipod which actually belongs to her, as they swapped them for a week or so). he checks his phone, pleased to find one new text message from her (sent not long after he went to sleep, around four-thirty in the morning), words encrypted and seemingly simple, yet riddled with thick layers of meaning. a modest song lyric, or perhaps a haiku. he responds with one of his own before he sits up in bed, ready to begin the day. his eyes trail slowly over his record collection; which would he choose to wake up to? absently he picks one up, a gift from her coincidentally, places it on the victrola. he pulls the fabric of his clothing around him, grabs something to eat, practices a tune he has been working on for her, takes a break with a book, maybe then works on some other form of art, perhaps writing, perhaps painting, perhaps drawing, perhaps photographing.
later, it's time to see her. he goes to her place, they greet and exchange remarks, sassy and sweet, and he lounges on her couch, serenading her with her guitar while she prepares dinner. he pretends it tastes awful, yet clears the plate. they go for a walk at dusk, roll around in the grass together awhile, and he allows her to take his photograph. they have a tickle war for awhile until they cannot breathe, after which they lay there together, discussing everything imaginable, roadtrips, films, shows, books, play-fighting and constant challenging of one another, whatever. he lets her pick the leaves and grass out of his hair. when a break between topics comes, they walk back to her place hand-in-hand. they then brew some tea, and talk about more serious things, philosophies, politics, anything, and when it gets tiring, they go to her room and he lets her dress him however she chooses. eventually they lay on her bed together, limbs tangled, music playing yet, equally aware of how comfortable the other is. by then it is three hours after midnight, and they fall easily into slumber. each day brings something new and different for the two of them, which is of some consolation, in a sense. they may or may not see one another daily, but the conversation never dries up, nor does the interest.
does he really exist? i wonder if i will ever meet him. i mean, traits like these aren't that hard to come by, are they? oh, stop looking and it will come to you, right? the advice everyone has given you? i'm hardly looking; it's just the waiting that's difficult. of course, if it ever comes i likely won't want it anymore, now will i? or likely i would screw it up somehow. how's that for optimism? cheers!
i can't believe i went the entire last week without posting here. i've been thinking a lot, i know that. joanna asked me what's been on my mind lately since it's quite obvious that i've spaced out a lot and got lost inside here [finger-to-temple] frequently. on reflection, i have no idea what has been on my mind. i suppose it could be summed up with analyzing my relationships and how i feel about the people and things and situations around me, and more closely, on regret.
when a person has wronged me, hurt me, then turned away and tossed me aside coldly, i wonder, do i regret meeting them? do i regret ever sharing any experiences with them, both good and bad? the immediate response is, "i wish i never met him. he broke my heart and dragged the ache--and me--along for awhile." (or many other contextual variations). however, this seems much too brash a statement. certainly i couldn't just wish an entire person with loads of experiences and conversations and thoughts and changes from my past. changes. each person you meet changes you somehow. my father used to always tell me to think of hard situations as 'character building.' how i loathed when he would say that! i see the truth in it, now, though. i could not simply wish i had never met a person, no matter how badly the person hurt me. the hurt he/she caused, each time, taught me something new about myself, or better, helped me grow comfortable with myself. each experience is a learning experience, be it a bad outfit teaching you through humiliation never to wear it again, or romantic feelings for a person then heartbreak, teaching you not to give yourself up so easily. some things are easier than others to bounce back from, but when you realize all that is to be learned from these situations, it gets a little easier. you cannot make the pain go away, but you can at least embrace it and make it not in vain.
in sum, i think that living a life of regret is unnecessary and even a little naive. certainly everyone feels regret now and then, but i think if we can learn not to do so, or accustom ourselves with learning from it, we'd be much better off. here is a quote from the science of sleep for you to think about. it may seem off topic but it most certainly is not; even if you cannot bridge a connection, at least appreciate it for what it is: "nobody knows what goes on between us, but everybody has an opinion on it."
When you meet someone new and they somehow have the ability to get underneath your skin (positively) and manage to change your outlook on life, or give you a new perspective on something, it can be both a bane or a boon. When a person can make you want to change yourself, or better yourself, just by their very presence or by looking through their eyes, it can be a really spectacular thing. Even if this person is not a permanent part of your life, whether they are only around you for a month and suddenly disappear, or whether they are around you gradually for years and only after so long do you finally realize them. Whether they try to change or affect you or not. I would never complain about this because I'm always looking for new perspectives on life and everything it entails, and I am ever-changing. However, when I think about it, truly, I am saddened. I realize, there are millions and millions and more people out there. Many of them are deeper than anyone I will ever know, and could offer so many more perspectives than those I already have within reach; many of them are capable of so many more things than they realize, and I will never know them and show them this. There are so many people out there, and the fact that I will only meet a handful of these people who will potentially change my life, the fact that I will meet some of the most brilliant people and never realize it, the fact that there is a possibility my potential will never be reached, all really disturb me.
Even further, not being able to decide between instability and stability really drives me insane. I cannot decide whether I prefer routine or spontaneity. The thought of waking up the same time every morning and doing the same thing everyday alarms me, but comforts me at the same time; the comfort that things will always be the same when I wake up the next morning, the event horizon is predictable. It's comforting, yet disgusting. But then again, I love the idea of never knowing what the day could bring, but that also terrifies me. I can't even decide what I want in this most general sense; what am I going to do with my entire life?
little boy, let's go
to a magic circus show.
mister magician,
you are quite cruel. now,
show us another trick while
you still have our eyes.
two haikus in one!
anyhow. heloise and abelard were seriously screwed up.
i want someone to look at my photo and think about how much they miss me. i do not like missing people; isn't that sort of a sign of weakness? maybe not. maybe i'm overanalyzing like always. i think i'm ready to be done with this. "this" refers to about twenty various things.
004. pillow problems.
