When you meet someone new and they somehow have the ability to get underneath your skin (positively) and manage to change your outlook on life, or give you a new perspective on something, it can be both a bane or a boon. When a person can make you want to change yourself, or better yourself, just by their very presence or by looking through their eyes, it can be a really spectacular thing. Even if this person is not a permanent part of your life, whether they are only around you for a month and suddenly disappear, or whether they are around you gradually for years and only after so long do you finally realize them. Whether they try to change or affect you or not. I would never complain about this because I'm always looking for new perspectives on life and everything it entails, and I am ever-changing. However, when I think about it, truly, I am saddened. I realize, there are millions and millions and more people out there. Many of them are deeper than anyone I will ever know, and could offer so many more perspectives than those I already have within reach; many of them are capable of so many more things than they realize, and I will never know them and show them this. There are so many people out there, and the fact that I will only meet a handful of these people who will potentially change my life, the fact that I will meet some of the most brilliant people and never realize it, the fact that there is a possibility my potential will never be reached, all really disturb me.Even further, not being able to decide between instability and stability really drives me insane. I cannot decide whether I prefer routine or spontaneity. The thought of waking up the same time every morning and doing the same thing everyday alarms me, but comforts me at the same time; the comfort that things will always be the same when I wake up the next morning, the event horizon is predictable. It's comforting, yet disgusting. But then again, I love the idea of never knowing what the day could bring, but that also terrifies me. I can't even decide what I want in this most general sense; what am I going to do with my entire life?
i really understand what you're saying about the predictable/unpredictable thing. its probably that we all want a bit of adventure in our lives so that we feel like we've been tested and proved you know? but when things get monotonous for me, thats when i think i'm being tested. will i go to class even though i hate it because i know i need to do well?
ReplyDeletethat doesn't stop the fact that life is so cyclical its sometimes hard to see a way out. but like you said if everyday were new how could we count on anything. its hard, to find that balance and not fuck yourself over.